A Song, An Embrace and Permission…

Listen…

The first time I heard this song, I cried.  Hard.  With a heart so heavy I didn’t think I would ever be able to lift it off the ground, I listened.

Curiously, as I tuned in to “Howl” again, and again, and then again, it slowly started to lift me up.  I, in effect, let my heart “howl” with each listen, embracing and subsequently releasing as much pain and sorrow and grief as I could handle during those moments.

In spans of 3 minutes and 53 seconds, I finally give myself permission to mourn the loss of a very important time and a very important relationship in my life.

I still have a long way to go till I feel strong again.

But at least I’m on my way…

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A Warning, A Fight and a Life Reboot…

Fair warning, you might want to skip this post if you’re at all in a good mood, or even an ok mood.  All that positivity I was feeling before?  Definitely missing from here…

Somedays the loneliness and the grief becomes overwhelming.  That feeling that the other half of your body is just missing and you don’t know what to do to get it back, wondering if you will ever get it back and even if you want it back at all.  Today is one of those wrenching days.

I’ve been fighting so fucking hard to battle the depression I can feel myself spiraling into.  It’s so difficult.  More difficult than I thought possible.  I’m trying to keep myself busy, but I can’t seem to focus my mind on my tasks a lot of the time.  I’m trying so hard to remember my own advice and my newfound self-awareness.  Yet today, I frustratingly find myself questioning my own self worth because one person, that one particular person, doesn’t seem to want me and is continuing to do the things that have caused me so much pain and devastated our relationship.  I know I shouldn’t think this way.  And I’m fighting these pervasive thoughts with all I have, but I’m losing the battle.  This is definitely one of those days when I wonder what it will take for me to get over this?  To get over her?  How long is this going to hurt?

I really wish I wasn’t in this weird financial place so I could just buy my RV right now and leave, reboot my life.  I’m in desperate need of a mental and physical recharge.  And I can’t seem to get that in my current situation.  I feel so… stuck.  Yet I know I have no reason to feel stuck like this.  Intellectually, I know all of this is temporary.  I know there are so many positives in my life that should offset the negative.  But there are days, like today, when I just can’t get past this one rather ginormous negative.  My heart just doesn’t work in so logical a manner.

For the last few months, when I’m around other people, I try to give the impression that I’m ok, in hopes that it will actually be true if I fake it well enough.  It’s exhausting.  And I’m still waiting for it to become absolutely true, just not true on occasion.  So, I find that I’m practically “hermitting” myself to avoid having to put on a “brave face.”

Today is just…

I want to scream.

I want to throw things.

I want to curl up into a ball and just cry.

I want to be held by the one person that won’t.

I want… to stop.

Generally, I feel very lucky for the people and the things and the circumstances of my life.  I have a roof over my head.  I have access to food.  Most importantly, I have people that care about and for me.  So, I don’t need to feel this way.  And yet, I do.

In order to move beyond this and start to heal, I need to embrace and accept how I’m feeling.  But I can feel myself fighting that too.

This will pass.  It always does…

Spiders, Reprogramming and Bruce Lee…

If you ask people what they are most afraid of, I think, in my decidedly unprofessional opinion, that a good number of them will say death/dying… or, you know, spiders.  Because really, spiders?  They’re just freaky.  Although, I do thank those pesky 8-leggers muchly for their voracious appetite for all things ant and pest-like.

But, where was I?   Ah, yes, fear.  I have a different theory on what people are most afraid of… being themselves.  Human behavior fascinates me and from what I’ve observed, more often than not, is that people are really afraid to be themselves.  There’s a fear of doing this, or doing that, or being this, or wanting that because of what someone else might think about it.  People, subconsciously or not, let someone else’s opinion determine their own self-worth.  I should know because I was certainly like that.  In fact, despite my newfound self-awareness, I am still like that.  The process of reprogramming your brain after a lifetime of being shown and being told that it matters what other people think is incredibly difficult.  I still struggle with it in many ways.  Just the other day, I caught myself trying to justifying my new “Nomadic Life Plan” to someone that didn’t quite understand, or approve.  It’s just something I’m going to need to deal with and get over if I want to be truly happy.

When I first let people know of my plan, a friend told me she thought I was brave.  My immediate thought was, “Sweet.  First time I’ve been called brave.” Funny, but I never thought of my future life as brave.  Initially, I thought of it as more of an escape. It is scary, though.  And I am most definitely scared.  But it’s also exciting and something I know I absolutely need to do for myself.  I’ve placed a lot of limits on my life based on what my friends, family, and society has told me is acceptable and/or unacceptable.  But I think all it did was stifle my own growth as a person.  I feel like I’ve grown more in the past 6-7 months than I have in my entire 38 years on Mama Earth… and to think, all it took was an uber traumatic breakup.  Blargh.

Well, like Bruce said, “I treasure the memory of the past misfortunes.  It has added more to my bank of fortitude.”

And to continue with the whole Bruce Lee meme thing, I will also leave you with this little gem…

Let’s get rid of our limits and start Living, my Friends.

I, for one, can’t wait to see what amazing places our lives will take us.

A Cold, The Birds, and a Pushy Universe

My mom has a great garden in the backyard!

My mom has a beautiful garden in her backyard!

I’m freezing, my hair feels like ice and I think I’ve developed a head cold.  Slept with the window slightly open last night because my dumb butt forgot to close it (don’t tell my Dad though, he might freak out!  Heh).  But you know what?  That stuff doesn’t bother me.  Why?  Because I woke up to the sound of chirping birds and sunshine.  Chirping. Birds. And Sunshine, ya’ll!  =)

Something about waking up this morning felt good (despite the head cold).  It felt so good that instead of closing the window, I got up and opened it wider, letting the cool, crisp morning air inside.  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, opened my ears, opened my heart and started to feel good again.

It’s a tricky thing, learning to be kind to yourself.  And more often than not, I fail, spectacularly.  I’ve spent way too many years not valuing my own opinion, my own thoughts, much less my own feelings.  I’m not going to do that anymore.  Yea, so I’m a slow learner.  But hey, at least I’m learning.  Know what else I’m gonna do?  I’m gonna be impeccable with my words (yea, I started reading the Four Agreements – my inner skeptic has been quelled).  I need positivity in every aspect of my life.  I’ve been negative for so long, even more so when my relationship crashed and burned.  No wonder some of my friends stopped contacting me.  Heh.  Who wants to be around that kind of constant negativity?  I won’t subject them, or me for that matter, to any more of that.  They deserve better.  And you know what?  So do I.

You know what else I deserve??? An RV!!!  Wooo!

Yep!  That’s right.  I’ve finally made my decision!  I’ll be living the nomadic life in my brand new ‘used’ RV in what I’m hoping will only be 3 or 4 months from now, job willing.  That’s not to say I won’t ever get a tiny home of some sort.  I certainly will at some point when I’m ready to settle down a little more and just unhitch my home occasionally when I feel the need to travel.  Can you imagine how cool that would be?  Instead of plunking down a ton of money renting some hotel room that hundreds, if not thousands, of other people have slept in you can just unhook your tiny home, hitch it up to a vehicle and go.  Instead of staying at some place claiming to have all the conveniences of home, you can just bring your actual freakin’ home!  That image just tickles me.  Heh.

Sometimes you just want to sit with big rocks... and a turtle.

Sometimes you just want to sit with big rocks… and a turtle.

But, for now my nomadic life begins with an RV.  Question is, which one do I get???  The possibilities!  So exciting.  =)  I’m so ready for this move!

You know, I don’t regret anything that’s happened between me and my Wife (or is it my Wife and I?  Someday I’ll get that right).  For years the not-always-patient Universe had been telling me that something needed to change. I just wasn’t listening very well, or, you know, at all.  So She decided to get all shove-y and unceremoniously kicked me off the edge of the most ginormous cliff She could find to get my attention.  Well, I’m listening now.  Hell, I can’t do anything but listen now.

Guess I needed to fall to discover I can fly (or drive in this case).

Thank you, Universe.  Today, I’m happy.

Can’t…

For all my verbal posturing about being ok, there are some days when I'm just… not.

You go about your day, thinking about that other person, wanting to call, but you just… don't.

And then you discover something that just rips apart what's left of what was your slowly mending heart. You think you can't possibly cry anymore than you already have. But you just… do.

How do you deal when you find out that less than six months after your 18 year relationship fell apart, the person that you still love despite it all, has fallen for someone else?

Today, I just… can't.

 

That Moment When Laundry Becomes Worthy of Excitement…

My new “Life Plan” has run the gamut in reactions from genuine excitement, to jealousy, to indifference, to “can I come?”, to “I don’t understand why, but you have my full support,” all the way down to peels of laughter followed by a sobering, “Oh, you’re serious?”

I had a rather amusing conversation with an acquaintance the other day about the “Plan.”  The entire time she was trying so hard to feign indifference but the slight twitch of the upper right corner of her top lip betrayed her dismay at even the thought of 1) living in an RV, Tiny Home, or anything smaller than the grandeur of her 4 bedroom / 3 bath house and 2) traveling to places that are not either of the U.S. coasts (San Francisco and New York specifically as they are apparently the only respectable locations in this country)!  She did have some good practical questions about food, water, hygiene, safety and the like.  But the subject that stood out the most was regarding clean clothing.  I almost died laughing when I mentioned the use of laundromats and she very visibly fought the urge to scrunch up her face in disgust.  This woman obviously grew up in a MUCH different world than I did… Fascinating.

But she did get me to thinking… I’m not always going to be in an area with laundry facilities and to be honest, as much as I can sit, mesmerized by a wall of spinning clothing at the laundromat for tens of minutes on end, I’d much prefer my own washer/dryer.  But how do I go about doing laundry on the road, while using less water, little to no electricity and have it fit in a small space?  My mind immediately flooded with images of “Squatter Jorna” scrubbing and whacking clothing against the rocks of some local river bank.  Uh, NO.  Just… no.  I can’t even imagine…  Well, obviously I can…  And not to say I wouldn’t try it at least once, just for kicks.  But I digress…

And so, as people are want to do when curiosity strikes now a days… I googled the shit out of this topic.  Low and behold, there’s a whole world of eco-friendly washing and drying options, sans rocks and river bank! This particular little contraption got me all excited about laundry!

Wonderwash

Hand-Cranking-Clothes-Washing-Goodness!

And really, it seems like a lot less work than it sounds.  From what I’ve read, it takes about 10 minutes to complete one 5 lb. load (faster once you get the hang of it– like 5 minutes, according to one reviewer).  As a Singleton, I’m not going to have a crap ton of laundry to do, and given that I don’t exactly have a ton of clothing anyway, it shouldn’t be much of a problem. And I save myself $5-10 every time I need to wash clothing since I don’t need to go to a laundromat!  Sweet!

Then I thought, what about drying my clothing?  I’d really rather not put up clotheslines in and around my home if possible. Then I discovered this awesome contraption:

Spin Dryer

2-3 Minutes of Spinny-Drying Fun!

Granted, it’s not an entirely off-the-grid machine as the “WonderWash” thingamabob, but with the solar panels I’m installing in my future mobile home, I think I can live with the fact that it needs just a little bit of current to work.  And in about 2-3 minutes it gets the clothing a really significant portion of the way dry so hanging time is very minimal.  Excellent!

Now I’m all excited about laundry.  Thank you “Scrunchy-Face Acquaintance” for setting me on the path to Laundromat Freedom.

All I need now, is a place to put my future eco-friendly washer/dryer… Like my new used RV/Tiny Home… That I don’t have just yet…

Am I any closer to a decision?  Not quite.  *sigh*  But I think I may be leaning more towards one than the other!  More on that later!  =)

Wreaking Havoc & Breakin’ Rules!

Let the temporary stay with the ‘Rents commence!!

Already I have wreaked havoc on their calm and orderly lives. Yay! Change and variety is good for them, I say. Keeps the blood moving and the mind churning. Heh.

Even though I only lived in this particular house for less than a year before I moved out, there’s still something very comforting about this place. I can’t really describe it. Maybe it’s just because this is where my parents live, and have lived for a little over half my life. It’s warm and familiar. And it’s just completely them. I guess that’s a great comfort all on it’s own.

But this time around, when I don’t really follow their rules (which has already happened and I’ve only been here less than a day!), they don’t get so bent out of shape. They say it’s up to me; I can basically make up my own mind.

Woah. It’s like I’m being recognized as an adult! The times. They are a’changing.

I do miss my roommates though. And their goofy dogs…

My puppy roommate, Valentine!

My ‘puppy’ roommate, Valentine!

It’ll definitely be an adjustment living here as opposed to the City. Although, I did stay with my parents for about a month when all this mess with my wife happened. But I barely remember that time, to be honest. I was in such a dark, horrible place back then and all the days blurred together. I am very happy to say that I am in a much better place now.  It’s not a perfect place, but it’s infinitely better then where my mind was dwelling before. The days aren’t so cold and I’m starting to see a really awesome and really bright future ahead of me. Particularly one involving the roaming of our vast country in my house-on-wheels while simultaneously documenting what mischief I can get myself into… all legal of course. ;)

But for now, the saving for my future RV and/or Tiny Home begins in earnest!!! I’ll try not to stress the parentals out too much while I’m at it. Scout’s Honor! (Does it even count if you’ve never been a scout of any sort?)

And I’d say so far so good for spending half a day here. Fixed up/rearranged my “new” room. Had a yummy home-cooked meal. Scared the crap out of Mama when I snuck up behind her in the dark living room where she was watching some overly dramatic singing competition… I’d say it’s been a pretty good day. :)

Let’s hope this trend continues for, oh, say, 4 months…