A Warning, A Fight and a Life Reboot…

Fair warning, you might want to skip this post if you’re at all in a good mood, or even an ok mood.  All that positivity I was feeling before?  Definitely missing from here…

Somedays the loneliness and the grief becomes overwhelming.  That feeling that the other half of your body is just missing and you don’t know what to do to get it back, wondering if you will ever get it back and even if you want it back at all.  Today is one of those wrenching days.

I’ve been fighting so fucking hard to battle the depression I can feel myself spiraling into.  It’s so difficult.  More difficult than I thought possible.  I’m trying to keep myself busy, but I can’t seem to focus my mind on my tasks a lot of the time.  I’m trying so hard to remember my own advice and my newfound self-awareness.  Yet today, I frustratingly find myself questioning my own self worth because one person, that one particular person, doesn’t seem to want me and is continuing to do the things that have caused me so much pain and devastated our relationship.  I know I shouldn’t think this way.  And I’m fighting these pervasive thoughts with all I have, but I’m losing the battle.  This is definitely one of those days when I wonder what it will take for me to get over this?  To get over her?  How long is this going to hurt?

I really wish I wasn’t in this weird financial place so I could just buy my RV right now and leave, reboot my life.  I’m in desperate need of a mental and physical recharge.  And I can’t seem to get that in my current situation.  I feel so… stuck.  Yet I know I have no reason to feel stuck like this.  Intellectually, I know all of this is temporary.  I know there are so many positives in my life that should offset the negative.  But there are days, like today, when I just can’t get past this one rather ginormous negative.  My heart just doesn’t work in so logical a manner.

For the last few months, when I’m around other people, I try to give the impression that I’m ok, in hopes that it will actually be true if I fake it well enough.  It’s exhausting.  And I’m still waiting for it to become absolutely true, just not true on occasion.  So, I find that I’m practically “hermitting” myself to avoid having to put on a “brave face.”

Today is just…

I want to scream.

I want to throw things.

I want to curl up into a ball and just cry.

I want to be held by the one person that won’t.

I want… to stop.

Generally, I feel very lucky for the people and the things and the circumstances of my life.  I have a roof over my head.  I have access to food.  Most importantly, I have people that care about and for me.  So, I don’t need to feel this way.  And yet, I do.

In order to move beyond this and start to heal, I need to embrace and accept how I’m feeling.  But I can feel myself fighting that too.

This will pass.  It always does…